Meditate on this

By bec16, March 11, 2015

I have a hyperactive brain (self-diagnosed). Although this means I often have really cool dreams -spies, being a cartoon, you name it – it also means that I have a lot of not so awesome anxieties.

I can get obsessively concerned about losing loved ones (from this mortal coil, not in the supermarket). I fret about not having achieved enough in my life – if the position of World President opened up today I would not make the short list of candidates. To fill time, my brain will sometimes replay hurtful things that have been said or done to me even though my official self really does not give a crap anymore. And very occasionally it will try to force me to solve the dilemma of whether I am a fat-skinny person or a skinny-fat person… not really any complimentary options to choose from there.

I was discussing some of these joyful quirks with a friend yesterday as well as the fact that I feel like I often self-sabotage in my sport. I just can’t get out of my own head. You will make this lift, screams everyone else. No you won’t, scoffs my brain. Fail. Ha, told you so!

She suggested meditation and trying to develop more control through mindfulness. She recommended a meditation app that she had used and I agreed to give it a go.

I have tried meditation many times before. It has always been most successful straight after exercise such as a Body Balance class. I think this is because my brain has been semi-occupied with physical activity for the 45 minutes preceding, plus there is someone to talk me through it and keep my wayward thoughts on track.

Almost needless to say, but when I have tried at home it is always an unmitigated disaster – my brain gets uber-excited it has free reign to unleash the crazy without any other distractions at all… or I fall asleep. Mega-fail.

I liked the idea that this app talked you through the meditation in a non-dorky way, so I downloaded the Calm app and meditated not once, but twice today with mixed results.

The first session was a 10 minute meditation focused on a general body scan to introduce the basic techniques and to reassure the listener that there is no wrong way to do meditation… umm, I think there might be.

I laid down, readjusted my pillow for about 30 seconds, and then began to get my relax on. At about a minute thirty this began to happen;

Wow, my right eye feels weird.

[wiggle of eyelid]

No it’s still weird. It feels like my eyelid doesn’t fit over my eyeball properly.

[eyelid scrunch]

Is it always like this? Stop it, you should be concentrating on not thinking.

Or relaxing into not thinking.

It’s like that eye is not adequately lubricated.

My left one feels fine.

I really want to touch it.

Don’t touch it. You’re not meant to move.

Uurgh.

This continued on for several minutes but I eventually managed to push it to the back of my consciousness and completed the session with a minimum crazy brain. My body felt happily numb and I got up feeling pretty good. Overall, not a bad session.

The second session was another 10 minutes but this time it was a guided meditation through some imagery with the purported goal of stimulating creativity. It went something like this.

You are in a green field.

Got it.

It is a wide open space.

Aagh, mine is more of a long narrow valley bordered by mountains.

Should there be a forest at the side instead? Doesn’t matter… just scooch the mountains back a bit.

At the end is a magnificent tree. You walk to the tree and sit down beneath it. You touch the soft grass.

Mmm, it is soft.

You pick up a leaf.

Done.

You marvel at how lush and full of life the leaf is.

Shit, my leaf is really dry, more like a gum leaf [mental wiggle]. All good now. I have a juicy, lush leaf.

You place both hands on the trunk of the tree and feel its strength.

Where do I put my leaf?

Hang on – I’m sitting with my back to the tree. Should I reach behind me and touch it? No, that’s just weird. I’ll turn around and sit side on.

[Quick readjust and I am touching up the tree like a pro].

You look up into the sky and see a beautiful rainbow.

Fuck, how am I meant to see it through all of the magnificent foliage?

This is definitely the app’s bad. I can’t think of an optimal position for trunk touching and rainbow gazing – lucky I decided to sit side on.

[I mentally part some branches and the rainbow is in full view. I play with the distance and brightness for a bit until I am satisfied].

From there the meditation took me through what each colour of the rainbow had to offer me, strength from red, creativity from orange, wisdom from yellow…

I can’t really remember how it ended because I got a little bit hung up on the fact that indigo and violet are essentially the same colour. Isn’t it weird that there are two different shades of purple? Why not two different shades of blue? Aquamarine and turquoise. I’ll have to google it. End meditation.

Not exactly a raging success but in a weird way I did feel a little bit better afterwards.

So in short, I actually really enjoy meditation and will be having another try tomorrow. Is there a wrong way to do it? Yes, I think there certainly is. See above for case in point.